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| It's been a good 3+ months, m'dear |
Almost everyday I'd leave the house in anticipation to come meet him and the rest, my heart fluttering at the thought of being together for a whole day.
Learning under his guidance was enriching. Experiencing the fatigue was new to me. I'd been sheltered all my life; the others I'd nearly committed myself to were never enough.
Our lives got routinely towards our second month. I'd go over, set-up whatever was assigned and blazed through the first half of the day. Lunch became a mundane necessity that pulled me through the next half. Walking away from him felt like the only highlight of the day. I'd expected it, just like in the stories I've read and seen. Mentally preparing myself just wasn't enough.
Then I snapped.
It was terrifying. I hadn't expected this to happen to me, to us. Our other friends had to intervene. I was embarrassed, ashamed, and it was hard to face him again. Things couldn't go "back to normal" like they used to. It kept replaying over and over again in mind – it wasn't healthy – for the both of us, and the ones around us. Slowly, I started to distance myself, finding excuses not to leave the house. I was appalled at my own behaviour.
Two more weeks. Two more weeks and it'll be over.
I didn't think I'd ever hand to him that letter. I remember the first few days we spent together. I was so gung ho about it, so happy and willing to make it work.That was then, and I had to face reality. Two weeks didn't seem like much, given the time we'd already spent together, but it was excruciatingly difficult. Not just for me, but for my loved ones too. This relationship was costing more trouble than it was worth.
The days didn't seem to inch closer. They seemed stretched and far away, like I had to run a mile before I crossed the finish line. I couldn't run. I barely had the will to walk, let alone smile like he expected me to.
On the last day together, I was happy to be leaving. Which was sad, in a bittersweet way. There were so many pleasant memories we had shared with others but that one day clouded those memories.
Walking away from him felt exhilarating, given my state for the past weeks.
I'll still visit, see you soon!
I'll miss you, but you'll see me again.
Goodbye.
I hadn't announced my departure to the rest of our friends. I wanted to disappear and leave, as if my existence throughout my stay with him was like a dew drop rolling off a leaf. Beautiful, but temporary.
Nurul xx
ps: How's that for a bit of writing? I've hardly gotten in touch with my writer side – and describing a temporary job experience as a relationship was certainly worth the time. With all that said and done, I'll spend the rest of my July relaxing, crafting and having a meaningful Ramadhan.