Friends. Change. Letting go.

Today has been a good day so far. I wasn't expecting anything special after countless late nights tossing and turning on my bed thinking about my future. Despite that, my dear friends proved to me how the strength of friendship, trust and faith can overcome even the slightest challenges. To tell you the truth, ever since the incident, I never had faith in anyone, not even myself. Every single opportunity turn into doubt and I never really saw the light in anything. I was careless about my studies, fearful about my condition and unconcerned about my own emotions. I wasn't even bothered about making my own decisions, even if it were right or wrong. I let things happen the way they were, without any concern of the consequences.

I did realise my mistakes and every single time I told myself, "change!" – I would be motivated to do something about it, but it would quickly dwindle down to a hopelessness of knowing that I would never be able to get things right.

I was battling with myself, constantly debating how I could overcome my negative emotions yet, there was that nagging voice in my mind instantly putting down whatever I suggested. Every time there was a glimmer of hope for a positive outlook, that were thoughts on how I would fail no matter how hard I try.

I realised that I was fighting with myself for change. Then I realised that change is not instant. It is not immediate, and it is does not happen within a day, or even a week. During the times when I battled trying to change for the better, it did not last. I wanted my change to be obvious, to be quick, to be praised instantly. I now know why the attempts at turning over a new leaf were futile. I realised;

Change is little steps. You cannot expect everything to change at once. You need to make effort, little or big, one step at time. Change is not a miracle that happens in a matter of seconds; because you have to be your own miracle.

I know I was close to overcoming that pessimistic side of me. I have always been an optimist, since I was a child and I let that incident affect that part of me. I was tired of being unconcerned about my studies. I was tired of always over-thinking about what others may talk about behind my back. Why should I worry if people are talking about me? For all I know, I might have misinterpreted them, they might have been concerned about me...or (maybe) even noticing potential in me to be a better person.

I don't want to worry about those things anymore. I don't want to be someone who couldn't care less about where her worksheets were or whether I blatantly copied ideas off the internet.

If I wanted to change my situation, it starts with myself.


Prophet Muhammad s.a.w. had said (something along these lines)

"If you want to change the world, change yourself, reform yourself and call the people to the same process"

Change starts from within. And I knew I needed to deal with the aftermath of the incident. It was quite painful for me at first, coming to a realisation of how it was during that time. But I learned to quickly move on from the past. It is so unhealthy to dwell on past mistakes that have been long gone forgotten or forgiven. I had a habit of clinging on to sad or embarrassing moments that I know people would have forgotten by now.

I learnt, and I am still learning, of how to let go of all these past memories that I have clung on to in these past few years.

I also came to terms with my insecurity regarding myself around my friends. I know for sure, that my friends accept me for who I am, regardless my condition and now I truly know;

strength;
our bond will never tear apart. We will always stand by each other, through thick and thin. We can overcome any obstacles as long as we're together.

trust;
I shouldn't be afraid of telling you my problems. Bottling up my emotions and struggles is never healthy, and our friendship will always know that we will be there for each other. To console, support or advice; we will always be there for one another. I now know that running away from any trouble is the worst thing to do. I am ever thankful for your listening ears.

faith & fate;
our fates are up to us to determine. With the support and encouragement from friends like you, I know my future is bright. I have complete faith in our friendship, and even though next year is probably the last year we may ever see each other, our kindness, laughter and memories will forever remain in our hearts

♥

No amount of words can express the amount of gratitude I have for these wonderful people I call "friends". Please know that I love you, sincerely and from my heart.

– nurul